Your Daily Dose of Joy

Joy: FUCKING ALIENS

Meredith: Yesterday I was discussing This Thing With The Birds with my roommate and we were both trying not to say the horrible thing we assumed it was, until we realized we were assuming two very different, very specific possibilities. He thought it was a high tech missile —being tested by North Korea or Osama bin Laden or someone else entirely — that shot thousands of tiny bullets. I laughed, “And it didn’t hit a single human? Or even another kind of bird?” “Okay,” he agreed, “What did you think it was?” “Oh,” I said out loud and for real, “I just thought we were all afraid it was black magic.” But fucking ALIENS!

Joy: Well there was that SHOW about people testing time travel and stuff or something? I dont know, it was on ABC and then got cancelled? But it was all about how all of the birds in africa died and the fish came to shore or something. So maybe the producers of that show were super pissed that it got cancelled, so they were all, WE”LL SHOW YOU NOW, NETWORK DECISION MAKERS!

But in the real life world the man on the tv about arkasas was all, it’s one specific type of fish, none of the other kinds of fish were affected? And that makes me feel like it was the aliens, Because maybe we sent fish dna up in a probe to space to, like, show aliens what our planet is like? And the aliens took that dna and started to control the fish! WHAT ELSE COULD IT POSSIBLY BE?!?

Meredith: What if those fish and birds were secretly like, the point of earth? And the aliens looked at earth, and everything on earth, and humanity, and all of our accomplishments, and they were like, GET THOSE BIRDS AND FISH. THEY ARE THE DECISION MAKERS. 

 We should stop sending stuff into space. I know we’re broadcasting “I Love Lucy” reruns to Mars or something, so I hope they don’t get control of all redheads. We should also keep an eye on witches. I’m just saying. I mean, I like them fine and I’m not racist, but if they need 1,000 blackbird wings for a spell they can’t just TAKE them like that. 

Joy: OMG, you know that’s the case because the birds and the fish they just get it, you know? They arent spending nye drunkenly texting boys asking them to come over and make out, the birds and the fish are much more calm and collected, they have their shit together! they are just flying and swimming and doing what they should do, keeping an order in things, while we are fucking drunk idiots taking a walk at 2 in the morning and yelling at homeless people because you’re so sad that the fucking highline is closed at night. OR SO I’VE HEARD.

I am not going to say anything about witches because witches can read your e-mails and then curse you. It happens. And who knows what they are going to with all of those blackbird wings?!?

MAYBE THE WITCHES MADE A SECRET PACT WITH THE ALIENS. MAYBE THE WITCHES ARE LIKE ALIEN SPIES!

Meredith: Okay, we need to be proactive here. We can’t just become aliens (that’s like, science), so I am proposing a coven. Having a coven will protect us from the aliens and the birds and the fish and hopefully from ourselves. Maybe a coven will say, “Do not go on a date with a newly-single 23 year old just because that actor didn’t ask you to dinner like he said he would.” They will say, “Double double toil and trouble, check yourself before you wreck yourself.” Also, unlimited blackbird wings! The other day I suddenly became kind of paranoid that people think I’m a witch because I’m always yammering about the moon and I wear a lot of runny eyeliner, so I think we should just make that fear work in our FAVOR. And they we will have control over the fish and the birds and the aliens and the homeless and the Highline will ALWAYS BE OPEN. 

Joy: YES I LIKE STRATEGY! STRATEGY IS WHAT SEPARATES US FROM THE BIRDS AND THE FISH!

 I also really love the moon and i take astrologyzone horoscopes really seriously. So seriously that I am currently googling “charity raffle tickets being drawn on January 4th” because she told me that I would win one. I don’t even know what is to win through a charity raffle, BUT I WILL WIN THEM ALL. Also, this one time a boy had a mouse in his apartment and like, couldnt man up and deal with it, so I had to. And witches like the moon and aren’t afraid of mice and participate in charity raffles. So, essentially, I am also a witch. 

I feel like our coven could convene on the highline. And our first order of business would be to destroy the meatpacking district. Because when people heard the news they would be like, oh it’s okay, these are good witches. 

Meredith: This coven will definitely need a serious PR offense. Like, we want to get the word out there that we are Hocus Pocus style, not The Craft. We’re responsible. We have replaced Tenjune with a daycare center, and the Gansvoort hotel will become a soup kitchen. People of earth, do not be afraid, ETC ETC.