Your Daily Dose of Joy

My name is Joy.

I live in Maine.

I've never met an exclamation mark I didn't like.

Sometimes I host impromptu dance-offs in the middle of the street.

Send email to: joylovestheinternet@gmail.com

You can follow me on Twitter, if you're into that sort of thing.

Everything posted on this blog is my personal opinion and does not necessarily represent the views of my employer or its clients.

Home
Archive
Subscribe (RSS)
Ask me something (leave your e-mail if you'd like a private reply).
Random post

Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor

 

Skills I Am Fundamentally Unable to Acquire

  1. How to properly fold the bottom sheet. (I’m probably going to have kids some day and those snarky little bastards are going to come home from a sleepover and remark on how well little Suzy’s mom is able to fold bottom sheets and how little Suzy’s sheets are never wrinkled and instead of facing my shame I am going to promptly disown those little resource-suckers and see how nice their sheets are folded when they are FENDING FOR THEMSELVES DEEP IN THE WOODS.)
  2. How to French braid my own hair, the hair of others. (This is my mother’s fault as she both refused to learn how herself or to give me an older sister.)
  3. How to properly remove eye make-up. (No matter how many fancy rinses I use or minutes I spend swiping my eyes at night, I still wake up every morning looking a little bit like Taylor Momsen. This is also directly connected to my mother’s failure at giving me an older sister.) 
  4. How to put down a book and just go to sleep already. (What’s that? It’s 3 a.m.? And you have a meeting at 7:30 a.m.? BUT HAZEL GRACE AND AUGUSTUS WATERS ARE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ANNA’S HAMSTER)
  5. How to wear Pants Suits without feeling like a member of the cast of LA Law. [I am a Professional Lady who wants to dress for the job she wants and not the job she has and all of those other things, but blazers! Please name a woman with an F cup (you heard me) who pulls those off? Not a one.]
  6. How to have a conversation with a stranger in the ladies’ room of a bar without recommending a form of birth control to them. (Really I just need to get chaperoned when I’m tipsy. Because as soon as I hear the rip of someone opening a tampon in the adjoining stall, I’m all, “Oh, girl, you should get an IUD, then you’d NEVER HAVE YOUR PERIOD AGAIN!”)
  7. How to feel anything other than jealousy over my friends’ amazing vacations. (IT SURE SEEMS LIKE YOU HAD A NICE FUCKING TIME LEARNING HOW TO SURF, JULIA, I HOPE YOU REALLY ENJOYED EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR TIME IN THE SUN AND THE SAND AND THE WARMTH. REALLY. SO TOTALLY HAPPY FOR YOU AND YOUR TIME IN THAT EXOTIC LOCALE.)
  8. How to watch an episode of The Bachelor without mentally correcting the grammar. [While my ungrateful little spawn are probably going to end up living with some wolves, they’ll understand the fundamentals of grammar. They’ll be those insufferable kindergartners who correct all of the other kindergartners (and let’s be honest, their parents) on the proper placement of a preposition.]
  9. How to listen to a song on my iPhone as I’m walking to work without somehow imagining what I would look like if I was in the music video of the song. Also, dancing in the street. (Music, you guys! It moves me much like it moves Dolly Parton and Queen Latifa to overlook their differences and come together to make a joyful noise, etc.)

  1. tallgirltales said: i nodded to myself reading this entire post. except #6 would be me in the work bathroom talking about the weather (why?)
  2. happyhumanramblings said: bottom sheets are impossible. i don’t believe there is a human in this world that can do it.
  3. binspired said: Yes, all of these! Especially number 1…I just don’t get it!
  4. champagne-and-icecream reblogged this from joyengel and added:
    these, seconded. except substitute (sometimes)...for stories about people
  5. messily said: 4, 5, 7 - YES. So with you. 3 - Yes to Cucumber wipes are the best, with Neutrogena a close second. This took me years as well. xxoo
  6. champagne-campaign said: does anybody know how to fold a fitted sheet?!?! people know how to do that?
  7. andkatesays said: My list is literally the exact same as yours. I even watched a video on how to fold a fitted sheet and the video version was perfect whereas mine was a crumpled ball. AND NO SLEEP TILL BOOK IS FINISHED!
  8. chiaraatik said: #6 made me lol
  9. joyengel posted this